Looking outside the window of the car, a drop of tear rolled down my cheek.
It has happened. But is this what I wanted?
Are you really that selfish? Can you really do this to someone you love?
Leave aside happiness; am I even ok with this?
Am I responsible for all the displeasure and detest that she holds in her mind?
Questions galore kept lurking around my head. The more I focused on finding an answer, the tougher questions arose and nothing but a delusional numbness took over me. Situations were changing; people came close, said something and went away. I replied to them but couldn't respond to my own questions. I smiled outwardly but inside not a speck of happiness was there.
A few hours back, with all the celebrations and traditions, I had exchanged vows with god as a representative of her. Those four vows (Laavs) were expected not only to tie us together in a mutual everlasting relationship but also to put us on a spiritual path leading towards unison with Him.
Trudging through those circles of life long togetherness, I heard those vows being recited in Gurudwara Sahib in front of Guru Granth Sahib. I could understand what they meant and how I was probably heading the opposite way.
The first laav urged us to commit the path of righteousness and to renounce sinful actions. My mind asked - Are you not committing a sin right now? I say probably yes, but the love lorn heart pushed back the answer. I started looking down upon myself, hating the situation I have put her in.
I tramped through the rest of the circles and she walked beside me, connected by the pink stole of promises but disconnected at her heart. She dived deeper into dark depression and almost fainted, with a deep fear for what future will bring to her.
I am returning back home, with a load of relatives giggling, smiling, happy for us. But none of it mattered to me. I look at the stars, smile back at them hoping they could reflect some of it onto her. A slight shimmer on her face, a light of hope in her eyes, a small stretch of smile on her lips – please show me something. But nothing came by.
She didn’t want to marry me for reasons which I don’t question. It is her life and she should get to choose her actions which decide her future. Sadly she couldn’t and I failed her in not standing by her side. I loved her then and I think I still do. If she could understand my position back then, may be overlook, forgive and look ahead, we can probably bring back the girl she was and the guy I was.
Guru Granth Sahib says "They are not said to be husband and wife who merely sit together. Rather they alone are called husband and wife, who have one soul in two bodies". Will it ever be true for us? Only time can tell! Wishful thinking and hope can make things work but they can also be tragically disheartening and crippling!
It’s four month down now and I am still waiting for her.
